I’ve never been one to hold on to things. I don’t like having extraneous possessions, maybe because so many of my family members and friends are hoarder types. They keep things just because they might be useful one day; they buy things but never open them; they buy books they intend to read but just end up collecting more and more unread books. I pride myself on not doing any of the above.
However, one bad habit I have is that I buy clothes that don’t fit because “they’ll fit when I lose the weight”. I had boxes and boxes of “thinner me” clothes. I’m talking size 8-10, size large at forever 21, 24″ waist. And I also had those clothes that were for when I lost 5 pounds, or 10 pounds, or 15 pounds… you get the picture. Over the past few weeks I’ve slowly been going through them. Reconciling myself to the fact that the really tiny clothes will never fit wasn’t too hard. Since I’ve gotten over the idea that I’m fat, and that’s that, it isn’t a big stretch to sell/donate the skinny stuff.
What was hardest was the process of admitting to myself that I may never lose that 15 pounds, or that 10 pounds, or even that 5 pounds. It’s just emotional baggage to have boxes of size 12, 14 & 16 clothes that don’t fit me as I am now, a size 18, and have been for some time. I want to love myself and dress myself today. I want to have clothes in my closet that I can actually wear, and not just take up space, taunting me until I’m that magic weight so I can fit into them. It’s insulting to my body and it’s unrealistic. Even if I did lose weight, I need to deal with that then because hey, I might not even like this crap at that point. And since I’m not actively trying to lose any more, I don’t anticipate needing to buy new clothes because my old ones are too big.
So I let go. I have no more boxes of clothes. Everything in my closet, 100%, fits me now. It’s a weird but liberating feeling. I’m so used to being in this state of impermanent size. I’m used to having these clothes to try on as a litmus test to see if I’ve lost enough weight. This is the last stop on my journey towards wardrobe freedom. No more too-big, colorless & shapeless clothes to hide behind, & no more too-small clothes to hopelessly strive towards maybe one day fitting into. Now I can work on being myself in the present, dressing and loving this gorgeous fat body that I’m living in right now.