away

no one knows me, all of me, every side of my personality. not anymore. i have compartmentalized because i have learned that all of me is too much. i have so much inside that i never share. i feel trapped in my head with no outlet, no one to hear me and know i need help. i really do need help, but i won’t ask for it. no one wants or needs to be dumped on and i have a lot to dump. i’m too broke for mental health other than taking care of externals so i’m at least presentable. makeup, hair, clothes. things to mitigate the ugliness. but even those things don’t do much because having to be made up and have hair fixed is unattractive. no one wants a girl who wears too much makeup, who has fake hair, whatever.

i hate myself, but we’re together all the time.

there is nothing redeemable about me. i am a seething mass of self-loathing on the inside and on the outside i’m painted false. i try to trick people. i try to trick myself. i leave makeup on til right before bed, i try not to be naked anywhere but the shower. it’s not working. i know what’s underneath and inside. i know how little i’m worth.

i can’t blame anyone else but myself and i’m the only one around so that makes me loathe myself even more and makes spending time with myself unbearable. yet i long to be by myself when i’m in public so i can just cry at will. because everything is so overwhelming and everything reminds me of how i don’t measure up to anything. i had real love, i had it and it left and i don’t think i’ll ever see it again. my externals aren’t good enough and internally i’m just so fucked i can’t fake it well enough to get anyone past the externals anymore. what happened to me? where did i go? i’m so tired of fighting. i want to let go. i don’t want to be here anymore.

he left and now she has him and his support and love and i have nothing and i don’t know why except maybe i don’t deserve anything. maybe everyone was right. there must be something about me that everyone has picked up on since i was a child, there must be something deeply flawed about me. the only men who ever loved me unconditionally are either dead or have conditions now. it’s not worth it. this isn’t worth it.

i don’t have the money for the massive amounts of plastic surgery it would take to get me looking close to desirable. i don’t have the money for the massive amount of therapy it would take to get me to believe i am desirable. why was i put here? what purpose do i have but to be tortured inside and useless? none of the things i did to cope work anymore, they just cause more problems and angst. i have no way out, other than the only way out. and i don’t even have the energy to see that through. but i don’t want to be here. my mind spends all day looping thoughts of self-hatred. i look down at my uneven breasts like every 5 minutes. i can feel them. i can feel all the ugly. i don’t know what to do. there’s nothing i can do at this point but be dragged under.

 

(written january 10 2013)

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