so much more

i am a girl who is too much. i talk too much. i need too much. i want too much. i feel too much. i love too much. i am reckless with my heart and too trusting with my love.

i’m scared of myself, of the depth of my feelings. i’m scared of everything. i’m never sure love is worth it because right now all i feel is the pain of losing love & longing & the fear of not loving again, or maybe loving again but losing it again. because i will. it’s always doomed. & it takes so much out of me that i really don’t know if it’s safe for me to ever do again.

i can never cut ties. i’m not the girl who walks away when i feel mistreated or things are obviously not working out or it’s clear the love is one-sided now. but i’m not a fighter. i let the person i loved more than anyone in the world slowly and deliberately pull away from me & i just watched and waited & hoped me loving him was enough that he would come back home. & it wasn’t. i don’t want to make noise. i don’t want to give ultimatums or present demands. but that hasn’t really gotten me anywhere.

i fight with myself, though. i am exhausted from it.

 

(written december 2 2012)

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