Being fat girls, we’re often told that we need to just “take what you can get” in the field of dating. We’re supposed to have low self-esteem and jump on anything that sniffs around us. You know the stereotype of the “easy”, low self-esteemy fat chick. Besides the fact that there’s really nothing wrong with being easy and you don’t have to be fat to do so, being fat doesn’t preclude you from having high self-esteem. And when you have high self-esteem you don’t settle. Compromising your standards because you think you’re too fat to be lovable or even sexually attractive is not the way to go. Even if you can’t yet see yourself at the point where you have high self-esteem, do yourself a favor and abstain from dating until you’re more comfortable with yourself. Getting into/staying in a shitty relationship will not help raise your self-esteem, it will only lower it. And even if you do somehow end up with a great person who you feel loves you for who you are, you don’t want to fall in the trap of having to be constantly reassured that you’re attractive by someone else. Learn to do it yourself first.
When you let yourself lower your standards based on how you feel about yourself–or worse, how other people tell you how to feel about yourself–most of the time you will always be bitter in whatever dating endeavors you undertake. Especially if you’re depressed over the lackluster choices in partners you allow yourself to consider. Really, if you go out on dates with people who you instinctively know are “you can do better” candidates all the time, anger and frustration are soon to follow. Think about it this way: if you weren’t fat but you still had all your game, all your awesome qualities, etc., would you consider this person a catch? Would you even give them the time of day? If imagining yourself thin is what it takes to make you realize someone is not up to your standards, do it–but work on your self-acceptance so eventually you don’t need to. It’s hard participating in the dating game when you’re still learning to love yourself, so forgive yourself for any missteps you might make during the process.
Dating is one thing, but you definitely want to avoid entering into relationships during this growth period if they’re based on you settling. They’re doomed to fail. Eventually you’ll garner enough self-esteem to decide you want something more, which is unfair to them because unless you vocalized your decision to settle at the beginning of the relationship, the other person is going to enter it based on the belief that you’re essentially OK with them so finding out you’re not will come as a surprise, and it’s unfair to you because you basically wasted your time and emotion on a relationship that wasn’t designed to last. Depression over ending the relationship is clearly not going to help with the self-esteem issue. So if you’re going to attempt to have a relationship with someone before you’re really confident in your own skin, be forewarned that things may not go as well as you’d like by the end.
My essential “don’t settle” advice to fat girls who feel unlovable or unattractive is that you’ve got to be enough for yourself before you can be anything for anyone else. Don’t let fat-negativity cloud your view of yourself. You’re fabulous! Date that way, fuck that way, love that way.